


On Your Mind

by IMtheDevil



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: A little bit of angst, A little bit of fluff, Anxiety, Dating an idol, Depression, F/M, Some of Monsta X show up, body image issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 17:36:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17965052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IMtheDevil/pseuds/IMtheDevil
Summary: Wonho x ReaderWonho experiences difficulties as an idol.He doesn’t have anyone to talk to until he meets her.





	On Your Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, yes—probably not very exciting but it’s an extension of a series of flash fictions I did (which I will link to later).
> 
> Please note that there are references to depression, anxiety, and body image issues within this work.
> 
> The story switches perspective between Wonho (3rd POV) and reader (2nd POV) as indicated by line breaks.
> 
> Title from the song “On Your Mind” by Kaskade
> 
> Enjoy :)

He was floating in space. Clothed simply, he felt the cold, empty pressure surround him. No stars, no planets, no indication of life. He was on his own. No one, no thing to support him. He forced his jaw open as far as it would go and screamed—or tried to. No sound came out. He was left without any way to express the fear of utter isolation. Then it struck him—this was how he would die. Alone. 

Sweat-soaked sheets strangled Wonho into consciousness. He kicked off the drenched linens and sat at the side of the bed. Trying to shake the lingering effects of the nightmare, he clenched his fingers around the edge of the mattress. The rhythmic breathing of his band mates deep in slumber failed to provide any comfort. They might have been there physically, yet they were still at a distance in their own dream worlds.

Wonho didn’t want to wake any of them for two reasons: the initial reaction would be irritation at being woken up, and then pity. He did not want their pity. Or shallow, meaningless statements meant to comfort him. There was nothing for it but to attempt to channel this into something positive. Wonho tossed a hoodie on and shuffled for his studio.

Usually the solitude gave him free reign to work, crafting music and scribbling lyrics. He would use the space to connect with Monbebes in his mind, imagining what he wanted to say to them or about them. Tonight, it suffocated him. It happened from time to time, the crushing silence of his studio reminding him he was by himself.

These ideations would surface despite the six individuals just down the hall that understood the stresses of being an idol. Including the distance they had to keep between themselves and others. The ten-foot radius around his heart that so many refused to cross, including those that he wouldn’t mind if they did dare to enter. Then again, those brave or stupid enough to get too close were under immediate scrutiny—not the pleasant kind.

Wonho had very little to no hope for the future. He didn’t know what would happen beyond Monsta X. First Shownu would serve his time, Wonho next. Would the group stay together with them gone? Would they test their skills in other areas and never come back? Would the rap line decide that solo projects served them better? It was likely that this was his last full year with everything as it had been. Once they were gone…what did he have? What would he have to show for his five years of an emotionally strenuous roller coaster?

A thunk reverberated in his studio as his forehead met his desk. There was no escape for him. Awake or asleep, these thoughts permeated his every moment. He huffed, opening his eyes to avoid the darkness behind his eyelids. Instead, he was met with the roll of his stomach while he hunched over. Wonho straightened, disgusted. Maybe the studio was not his best option. He changed into the spare athletic outfit he kept in his studio and headed for the gym. He hoped to kill two birds with one stone—rid himself of the excess fat and exhaust himself to the point he would have a dreamless sleep. 

* * *

 

You couldn’t sleep. Your excitement for the next day wouldn’t let you. Finally, after four years, you were going to see Monsta X in concert. They were going to be at a city relatively nearby. You had driven the night before to settle into the hotel room that you’d stay in on the night of the performance. The drive wan’t too long, just long enough to be dangerous to attempt after standing and exhausting yourself for a few hours.

As the world of dreams stayed just out of reach from your fingertips, you did the usual—turned to YouTube for distractions. You were never sure what you were quite in the mood for, whether it was the ASMR video of Changkyun reading fighter lyrics, the chaos of chef Kihyun’s show, or Minhyuk’s latest VLive. You settled on a compilation of them being embarrassed—it reminded you that they were human beings too. 

Video after video, you began to feel drowsy. Wonho’s laugh was the last thing you heard before drifting off.

... 

You were thankful for the night of rest. Hours standing in line gave in to only more time spent standing in the pit in front of the stage. Not that you were complaining, you were close enough that if one of them leaned over the barricade and reached into the crowd, you could touch them. You knew that wouldn’t happen, though.

The lights began to dim and the noise around you rose to a roar. A grin appeared on your face—the energy around you had an intoxicating effect. Your elation and slight apprehension took hold. This was the night you had been waiting on for months; you were intent on committing this to memory (with the help of a few videos).

They went straight into their latest title track performance, opting to save the introduction for when they needed to breathe. Your eyes darted from member to member, saving as much information as possible, when your eyes landed on Wonho, who was almost directly in front of you on the stage.

It was a nanosecond. His gaze snapped into yours, and you felt your chest tighten—no air to use. His eyebrow quirked, intrigued, and then the corner of his mouth curled. The fans around you screamed. Wonho moved to the next position, and the moment was lost. Your heart and lungs didn’t seem to get the memo.

For the rest of the stages and the sketches used as filler in between, your gaze refused to stray from him. As long as Wonho was on stage, it was as if the others didn’t matter—even when you saw Kihyun in your peripheral teasingly throwing finger hearts at you with a cheeky grin on his face. You weren’t usually like this. You were one of those who considered themselves to not have a bias in the group, but here you were, completely zeroed in on Wonho.

Instead of hours, it felt like the concert was over in a matter of minutes. It wasn’t until you were back outside, waiting on an Uber, that you could finally breathe again. You were still in a daze as you got out at the hotel and started inside. A figure stepped into view and held out a hand. Confused, you looked up at the imposing person towering over you.

“Hotel key, please.”

You noted the clusters of people around the hotel and with familiar light sticks in their hands. That could only mean—

“Ma’am?”

“I’m sorry, here.” You handed over the plastic card and after a moment of inspection the guard stepped aside to let you pass.

As you dragged your feet inside, you felt conflicted. Part of you wanted to wait and see if you could say hi, but then the other part wanted to give them the privacy and chance to recuperate. Deciding you were lucky enough as it was to get such great tickets and have a wonderful experience, you pulled out your phone to check as you waited on the elevator to take you to your floor.

* * *

 

Wonho ran his fingers through his sweaty hair, absentmindedly fluffing the strands up at odd angles. About a mile away, Minhyuk had draped an arm over Wonho’s shoulders and was chatting animatedly about their show. Wonho was only thinking about one thing—the person he had locked eyes with. He still wasn’t entirely clear on what they looked like, stage lights and a dark arena would do that to you. Despite that, something about them reeled him in. He continued to attempt to decipher the expression he saw—excitement, yes. Maybe adoration? With a hint of pride?

No, that would be weird. He was used to the somewhat blank, lustful look his shirtless-ness typically elicited. What was even weirder was he couldn’t scrape the image of their face off of the back of his eyelids. He saw it every time he blinked as if it were still happening in front of him. Wonho was definitely not complaining. He felt a pull, as if a string were attached to his heart and they were leading him to them.

“Hello? Are you there?” Minhyuk had to grab Wonho’s shoulders in order to keep him from crashing into Kihyun, who was staring Wonho down with a fist propped on his hip. “Wonho, I asked you a question.”

“Sorry, what’s up?” Wonho lightly slapped his cheeks to snap out of it.

“I asked which van you wanted to ride in back to the hotel. While you were day-dreaming, the rest of us voted to eat at the hotel and crash. Hope you’re okay with that.” Kihyun didn’t seem like he cared one way or the other.

“I’m fine with whichever van, I promise. Sorry again, Kihyun.”

Kihyun’s expression softened as he patted Wonho’s upper arm. “Let’s go get changed, yeah?”

Wonho could only nod.

... 

He was silent the entire ride back. Wonho could see Shownu glancing up into the rear view mirror at him with concern. Usually it was Changkyun who was immediately quiet once the show was over. He needed the most time to recharge his “people-ing batteries” as he called it. The others varied, but never really dipped to Changkyun levels of not talking.

Wonho averted his eyes away from Shownu’s questioning gaze to look out of the window. It was far into night, just an hour or so past midnight. He was ready for food and sleep, in that order. The vehicle slowed, turning into the hotel lot. It was hard to move the van up to the front doors of the lobby due to the crush of bodies surrounding it. Wonho wasn’t surprised—someone must have seen them earlier that day and leaked the location of where they were staying.

Security held back most of the crowd from entering the hotel, double checking those with room keys. The group started to trek across the lobby to the restaurant, forgoing a quick refresher in their own rooms to go straight for food. Wonho felt a tug in his chest and looked around. Then he saw her. Over by the elevators, a lone girl was checking her phone, ignoring the noise until one fan screamed. She shot her gaze upward, immediately meeting Wonho’s stare. His heart leapt in recognition.

That was her—the person he saw during the performance. The one who had looked at him with a mix of emotions he couldn’t understand. Who was looking at him now with curiosity. Oh how he wanted to grin and wave—but he knew there were too many eyes. That one little wave would drag her over that imaginary line and all but serve her up to the wolves ready to pounce on any shred of possible happiness. But he couldn’t not do something. 

Wonho settled for a small smile. Small enough he was worried she didn’t see it—until she returned it with one of her own. He now understood what romance novelists meant when they would write that the character’s heart “did somersaults,” for his was doing them at the moment. Hyungwon nudged him along—he had been moving too slowly. The girl continued to watch him until an elevator opened up before her and she disappeared from sight.

...

Wonho was distracted. Whether it was in his studio attempting to compose, in the practice room dancing with other members, or performing in front of thousands—he couldn’t shake the memory of her that was tickling the back of his mind. He wasn’t sure why he was still thinking about her—it had almost been two months since that concert. It was highly unlikely he would see her again. Why would things work out in his favor? Hope was useless.

A soft wolf plush popped into the side of his head. Changkyun giggled. Wonho blinked at him, completely at a loss for what was happening. He had just been nodding along to whatever the other members had been discussing.

“As I said,” Shownu shot an unusually stern look at Wonho, “we’ll be leaving around one for the fan signing.”

With clearer eyes, Wonho nodded and mouthed “sorry.” Shownu’s eyes rested on Wonho longer than he was comfortable with, so he stared at the wall instead of the leader. Once they had finished with their meal, they left the living area one by one to get ready. Wonho didn’t notice until Shownu sunk onto the couch beside him.

“Hey.” Shownu continued to look forward. “You seem distant…more than usual. Everything okay?”

Wonho stilled. More than usual? Shownu must have noticed his overall descent into the pit Wonho had resigned himself to. And yet Shownu decided to not press him on it. Wonho was unsure how to feel. He was slightly grateful that Shownu hadn’t pushed it, yet some part of him ached that his own group member, his leader at that, didn’t care enough to rip the bandaid off sooner. 

“Yeah, I just have some stuff on my mind.”

Shownu slowly rubbed his palms against his thighs, clearly pondering through a response. 

“I’m always here to listen.”

A steel wall enveloped Wonho’s heart. He wasn’t ready to talk about any of it. He wasn’t sure he would ever be ready to talk about these things with his fellow members.

“Thanks. I’m gonna go get ready.” Wonho did his best not to launch himself off of the couch and run.

...

The seven of them filed into the back entrance, following directions from the stagehands to get to the stage. Before they reached the auditorium, Wonho could hear the fans happily and excitedly chattering. His stomach clenched. He immediately realized he didn’t want to be around people, especially their fans. Wonho could feel a fake smile begin to plaster itself on his face, and he grew disappointed in himself. This was going to be a long event—he could tell already.

As Shownu and Minhyuk entered the side door, the fans began to cheer. The tightness in his abdomen rose to his chest as they bowed their way inside. He was standing from his second bow when it happened. A tug on his heart, his eyes moving on their own—her. The girl from the concert and the hotel. The girl that had been on his mind. The girl who was currently looking at him in such a way that it made his heart stop for what felt like a decade. He felt a blush forming, and he could only hope that the audience, and especially the members, did not notice.

His mind raced. He wouldn’t miss this chance, so he had to formulate a plan. If he were to act, it was now or never.

* * *

 

Hard work and outrageous fortune gained you a spot at Monsta X’s next fan meet. To be honest, you were in denial about the whole thing. You weren’t going to see them face to face. No, that was some other sort of event you were doing. Yeah…not meeting them and speaking to them or anything like that. It wasn’t until the day of that it fully hit you. 

You felt about one hundred times more wound up than you were for the concert. In part because of that split second with Wonho. That burning memory had stayed with you those last couple of months, but you knew it was meaningless to him. He probably met the eyes of at least a thousand girls that night and let the thought of you fade into nothingness.

Regardless, you had the time of your life, and now? Now you were going to meet them.

The wait seemed shorter this time, even though you had gotten to the venue extremely early to make sure you did everything correctly and didn’t bring anything that wasn’t allowed. You wouldn’t, couldn’t, risk making a mistake and losing this opportunity. Soon, you heard shouts and the clicking of camera shutters from the front of the audience, alerting you to their arrival.

The members were making their way onto the stage, bowing as they entered. You searched for Wonho, and as he rose from a bow, your eyes met. Maybe it was the distance, or maybe it was your imagination, but it seemed as if a blush had reached the tips of his ears.

You attempted to watch the other members, wanting to see them interact in real life. Especially Jooheon and Minhyuk. Or just Minhyuk, as he never stayed still and roved from member to member for affection. You occasionally found yourself watching Wonho unintentionally. However, it seemed that every time you turned to look at him, he was looking away. Once he was even doing something frantically on his phone. As if he were avoiding your gaze. You chided yourself. Why would he do that? Even if he did remember you, it’s not like he would care enough about it to go out of his way to purposefully ignore you. 

After watching them play games with each other and the audience, it was time for the interaction portion of the event. It seemed as if time, a fickle mistress, stretched these seconds into minutes and minutes into hours. Finally, it was your turn. You made your way down the line, meeting each member and getting to say what was in your heart—how thankful you were for their hard work and something special about each of them. At last, you found yourself moving to the seat before Wonho.

As you sat, his fading half-smile shifted into a grin. You said your hellos, and what you intended on saying to him—all perfectly normal things. When he took your hands in his to say goodbye, you felt the crinkle of a folded piece of paper. The empty hand let go, a finger raised briefly to his lips. You nodded, dumbfounded. You carefully secured the scrap in one of the zippered pockets in your bag before standing and making your way down from the stage.

It wasn’t until you were in the Uber that you unfolded it. You stared at it for a good few minutes before the information clicked. A date, a time, a place—they were scrawled in hurried characters. There was a fourth line, a pair of the same letters and sequential numbers. You pulled out your phone to check the address and your jaw dropped. Google must be wrong. A movie theater?

Your mind flashed back to when you caught Wonho on the phone at the fan meet. He must have been buying these tickets. You looked at the movie he picked and half giggled, half groaned. It was the only remotely romantic movie that was out at the moment.

Wait.

Wonho. Wonho of Monsta X. Wonho of Monsta X asked you out on a date. There was no other explanation. As unfathomable as it was, it was the truth. And by golly, you were going to go.

...

All of your senses were trained on Wonho fidgeting. He kept lifting his hat with one hand and raking through strands of hair with the other before replacing the cap. You were worried he was getting tired of this. The movie was doing little to capture your attention—then again you did have an idol sitting next to you. You flexed your palms against the cloth of your skirt, wanting to reach for his hand but never quite gaining the courage to cross the line from inaction to action. The chance for rejection hung about your neck, weighing you down.

Maybe he was feeling the same, or maybe he was suddenly ruing the moment he asked you out. Maybe he was bored out of his mind, or maybe he just wanted you to make the first move. What if he was already thinking about going to eat or getting sleep. He probably wanted to be anywhere but here. Why did he—

Your thoughts had finally drowned out your senses enough that you didn’t notice his warm hand enveloping yours at first. He gently worked his fingers between yours and held them there. You snapped your head up to look at him. He was pointedly looking at the screen, a pink hue on his skin barely visible in the darkness. A warmth washed through your chest and you curled your fingers. He started to smooth the back of your hand with his thumb.

After a few minutes, you felt a surge of courage. Shifting slightly, you rested your head gingerly against his shoulder, squeezing your eyes shut against the threat of dismissal. You felt a light pressure on your head. Wonho had laid his against yours, softly snuggling into your warmth. The two of you stayed like that until the end of the movie, and he brushed his other hand against your cheek.

“I wish I could take you home. I—I mean—make sure you get home.” Wonho stumbled over his words. He sighed as he straightened. “Once I’m gone, please wait a little before leaving.”

He gave your hand a final squeeze before letting go and stepping into the aisle. He started to move, but then looked back at you.

“We should do this again sometime.”

“I’d like that.” You choked out the response, a burning sensation refusing to fade from your face.

Wonho smiled radiantly, nodded, and walked away.

...

It was beneficial to both of you that Starship kept their dorms over an underground parking lot. Your Uber was never the same, but always one with tinted windows in the back—one of the conditions that you had agreed to. Wonho would wait just beyond the doors to the elevators, bouncing on the balls of his feet and beaming madly at you once you crossed the threshold. 

You had been over several times, but this was the first you were around the rest of the group. The other members had been quite nice to you, but they teased Wonho mercilessly. At least when they thought you were out of earshot. The eight of you had just finished watching a movie, and, after insisting, you helped Kihyun pick up and take the empty popcorn bowls to the kitchen. You were walking back to the living room when you heard low tones. Hovering around the door, you were unsure what to do.

“You really like her, don’t you?” Shownu’s voice sounded resigned, as if he just been fighting a losing battle and finally surrendered.

“Yeah.” Wonho’s tone was firm. “She’s worth the risk. She’s worth all of it.”

Shownu chuckled, and you could envision Wonho pulling his usual tic that indicated his embarrassment—fingers combing through his hair. The leader had probably picked up on it as well. 

“Whatcha doing?”

You squealed as Changkyun appeared over your right shoulder. He smirked when Wonho called out.

“Y/N? You okay?”

You elbowed Changkyun in the arm before stepping forward. 

“Changkyun snuck up on me, that’s all.”

Wonho looked from you to the door to Changkyun, a light blush dusting his cheeks. From that, you could tell he knew you overheard the conversation, but didn’t know how much. Shownu huffed as he stood. 

“Come on, Changkyun.” Shownu dragged a pouting Changkyun down the hall. Once it was quiet, you sat beside him with your legs crossed, facing Wonho, your knees resting on his thigh. Propping a hand under your jaw, you looked up at him and waited for him to speak. When he didn’t, you did.

“What was that about? Sounded serious.” You noted the furious blush Wonho now sported.

“Shownu’s just trying to make sure I’m making the right decisions.”

“Are you?” One of your eyebrows quirked without your permission. Wonho caught your expression and turned, hooking the bend of his knuckle under your chin. He was gently ensuring you didn’t look away from his burning gaze.

“Yes. I meant what I said. You are everything to me.”

His eyes drifted downward and you held your breath, caught between two seconds that split into hundreds of moments. Your heart fluttered at the edge of a precipice as he brought his lips to yours. It was a questioning kiss, still unsure of itself. Unsure of your feelings. You smiled against him, answering with a kiss of your own. Eventually, Wonho pulled away.

“As long as you’ll have me, I’m yours.” The mirth was gone from his face, the steadfast look in his eye still there. You melted, reaching forward to pull him into a hug, rubbing your hands slowly up and down his back. You felt a laugh rumble in his chest.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

* * *

 

Two eighteen in the morning.

Wonho stared at the clock, hoping that his eyes were tricking him. He blinked, gently rubbed with his knuckles, and opened his eyes again.

Two nineteen in the morning.

Today had been an especially hard day. Technically yesterday, but as Wonho hadn’t slept more than the length of a nap, he was considering it the same day. He had done a VLive, showing Monbebes his work out space and a couple of his favorite exercises. Most of the comments had been positive, but a handful still stung like jellyfish barbs lodged in his mind. The hour or so he spent sleeping, he was stuck in another nightmare—chubby, naked, and surrounded by laughter and pointing fingers.

Once he was awake, he didn’t want to go back to sleep. He wanted to go to her.

Yet, he hesitated. Wonho had kept that part of himself hidden from her as best as he could. But he noticed her concerned glances increasing as time went on. He was worried that once he opened that floodgate, there was no going back. That she would leave him and run, not wanting that bundle of emotions on her doorstep any longer.

Wonho let out the deepest sigh he could without waking the other members dozing around him. He needed to talk to someone, and he knew the other members wouldn’t cut it. He rolled out of his bunk bed, slipped on a pullover, and headed for the door.

He knew where her apartment was, but this was his first time going to her instead of vice versa. Thankful for the early hour, he hoped that no one would catch him escaping out of the back door. Wonho took side streets and alleys until he reached her building and took the steps two at a time. He raised a fist to knock, and took one last moment to reconsider turning on his heel and continuing to push his emotions down like he had gotten so used to doing.

It took at least three sets of knocks before she opened the door, hand to her face as she squinted.

“Wonho? What’s wrong?” Her voice cracked, clearly from its first use after waking. She stepped aside so that Wonho could enter. It wasn’t until the door was shut and she walked around to look into his face that she saw he was crying.

“Oh, sweetie.” She wrapped her arms around him, and Wonho laid his forehead on her shoulder. “Come on.”

Wonho followed her to the couch as she sat and put a pillow on her lap. He got comfortable and laid his head on the pillow before spilling everything that was on his mind. The loneliness he felt before meeting her, the anxiety of wanting to make the right choices for himself and his body, and all of the insecurities he felt on stage and when Monbebes were watching.

She continued to play with his hair as his tears flowed freely. She did nothing other than remain a strong, silent presence for him while he sobbed. It felt cathartic to bare this all to her. He wasn’t sure why he had second guessed himself on coming here, but he was glad he did.

Wonho’s breathing slowed, and she started to move. He lifted so that she could shift to where she was behind him as they lay on their sides. A blanket covered his lower body as she tucked it around them. She slid an arm under his head and the other around his torso. Automatically he snuggled back into her warmth and covered her hand with his. It wasn’t long before he succumbed to sleep—a dreamless, peaceful sleep at that.

As his eyes fluttered open, he saw the beginnings of the morning rays peeking through sheer curtains. Wonho could feel the slow rise and fall of her chest behind him. He partially sat up, propped himself on an elbow, and looked at her. The early sun gently lit her face, giving a warmth to the peaceful stillness of her features. Wonho felt an indescribable feeling well up in his chest and knew he loved her. Loved her with every atom of his being.

Now he just had to find a way to show her.

* * *

 

Wonho didn’t usually contact you to invite you to the dorms like this. Or if he did, something was wrong. Your stomach writhed in response to your unease. As you knocked, you could sense a tension in the studio room beyond. Wonho invited you in with a wave, but there was something off. It wasn’t until the door had closed behind you before he spoke.

“I made something for you.” Wonho sheepishly gestured for you to sit at his desk.

A nervousness had crept into his voice that you hadn’t heard since your first date with him. You sat in the rolling chair and swiveled around to the computer screen. He plucked his headphones from the stand and placed them on your head. Reaching around you, he pulled up an unnamed track and hit play. 

You could feel him shifting behind you—weight moving from one foot to the other. Even though you couldn’t hear it you knew he was murmuring lyrics as he watched the song progress. His thumbs tapped the rhythm on the nape of your neck; his other fingertips rested in the curve of your collarbone.

The song ended and you felt…whole. As if Wonho fit into the spots where you were lacking, filling the cracks in your heart. You felt the headphones slide off of your ears. He spun the chair to face him.

“What did you think?” His eyes were wide, searching yours for an answer. You stayed there, looking up at him. His hand moved to your cheek. 

“It’s okay if you didn’t like it. That was my first time composing for just one person. Maybe I should have—”

That was when your lips met his. You knew it was only way to stop him from rambling and convey how you felt at the same time. He felt the need in your kiss and responded in kind. Panting for air after a bit, you broke away.

“I love it almost as much as I love you.”

Wonho beamed when he realized that you had finally voiced it. He pulled you up and into a tight hug, forgetting his strength yet again as he nuzzled into your neck.

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Twitter: @monmaddie  
> Monbebe Amino: I.M the Devil
> 
> See you next time!


End file.
